When I issued this Leadership Insight a few years ago, I received a tremendous amount of heart-felt feedback from my readers.  Given that the holiday season is nearly upon us, I decided to make a couple of additions and re-issue the Insight for your enjoyment.

I’ll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow
And Mistletoe
And presents ‘neath the tree

Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I’ll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams

The song was written by lyricist Kim Gannon and composer Walker Kent.  It was first recorded by Bing Crosby in 1943 and is sung from the point of view of a soldier writing a letter to his family while stationed overseas during World War II.  It ends on an emotionally sad note, with the soldier’s recognition that he won’t be home on Christmas eve, and love will fill the empty space as the light of his dreams.  The song pulled at the heartstrings of Americans in the midst of the War, and it continues to do so today.  It has become a holiday standard for many generations.

In 1910 teenage entrepreneur Joyce Hall latched onto the idea of an emotionally connected world built on shared experiences of togetherness among friends and loved ones.  His company, Hallmark Cards, developed pre-printed post cards with thoughtful prose and beautiful images.  The company grew rapidly during the 1920s through the marketing of “Christmas letters” and greeting cards.  A year after Bing Crosby recorded “I’ll be home for Christmas”, a Hallmark marketing and sales executive created the slogan, “When you care enough to send the very best”, launching the company into a new era of growth that continues today.

Think about this for a moment:  lyricists, composers, entrepreneurs, and sales and marketing executives have created for us emotionally-loaded images of what a holiday gathering should be – snow, mistletoe, togetherness, expressions of love and caring, as well as giving the very best to each other.  These images have been mirrored in our subconscious through a maze of synaptic connections, creating a set of expectations about the holidays.  These expectations serve as a lens through which we not only experience the holidays but judge what actually occurs.

A holiday family gathering can be much different than a “Hallmark” experience.  Other images come to mind, similar to those personified by the Griswolds in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989).  In the movie, obnoxious family guests, cramped accommodations, and a toxic work environment cast a dark shadow over Clark Griswold’s dream of the perfect family holiday.

Can a group of parents, adult siblings and their children actually achieve a “Hallmark” holiday gathering where “… the love light gleams”?  Or, is it all imagery created by smart capitalists to make money by manipulating the expectations of the masses?  Maybe, but I think a happy family gathering can occur provided there’s some thoughtful leadership shared among the family members.

Here is my Nine-Step Applied Leadership Guide to a beautiful holiday gathering.

Step 1:  Take Stock of Reality Through Open Conversations.

A family situation can become complicated as parents and grandparents age and the family expands to include sons-and daughters-in-law, grandchildren, and cousins.  It’s a blessing to be part of a prosperous and healthy family.  But the possibility of conflict is high.  Most of the time adult family members exist in independent clusters, self-determined and accountable to those (spouse/partner and children) in their cluster.  When these clusters are together in a large-family gathering the independence of each member is compromised at the same time that their accountability expands to all of the members of the larger group.  Unresolved or old sibling rivalries can reemerge.  Dampen these potential conflicts by talking about them in conversations among family members well in advance of the gathering.  Be honest with yourself, help family members do the same, and have an open mind towards information that disagrees with your beliefs.  Remember John Snow’s words to Sansa in last year’s finale of HBO’s Game of Thrones, “We must trust each other … we can’t survive if we fight amongst ourselves … we have so many enemies out there.”

Step 2:  Cherish the Moment.

This is all temporary.  We can probably count on the digits of two hands the number of times a holiday gathering of adult siblings and their families will occur.  Things change.  Reality is constantly shifting both slowly and suddenly.  Parents and grandparents get “gathered” by their maker, children and grandchildren grow into adults with adult-like issues and opportunities, and new members move in and out of the family through friendships, marriages and divorces.  Our mindset should be that every moment together is the last of its kind – it only occurs once.  Each moment together is precious, and we should get the most enjoyment possible out of it.

Step 3:  Manage Your Behavior.

When the family is together, put a smile on your face regardless of what’s happening in your life at that moment.  A person’s behavior is not a consequence – it’s an input to what can be.  And, their behavior affects those around them.  We are in control of our behavior.  William James wrote the Principles of Psychology in 1890 and he stated, “The body shapes the mind which shapes the brain.”  Neuroscientists call it Long-Term Potentiation.  The bottom line is this – the way you act shapes your attitude.  So, if you act “as if” you are happy, you probably will be, and the opposite is true.  The best example of this is a smile.  You do not smile because you are happy – it’s the opposite – you are happy because you are smiling.  Also, all smiles are intentional and not involuntary, meaning we are more or less “faking” them every time.  A holiday family gathering can involve a large group of people coexisting temporarily in close quarters.  It’s not just your attitude at risk – it’s the group’s.  We are accountable for each other’s attitude because our behavior affects the entire group.  So, fake a smile when you are in the gathering.

Step 4:  Be Mindful of Young Children.

Family gatherings can include many young children ranging in ages from a couple months to pre-adolescence.  None has a fully mature brain.  Each will test boundaries relative to where they are in development.  There will be crying, fighting, sleeplessness, and a host of other child-like issues.  Regardless of a child’s behavior, each must feel love equally from the adults whether you are the dad, mom, uncle, aunt, grandma, or grandpa.  There can be no favorites or differential treatment.  Deep emotional scars can be created for children if they are treated differently in family gatherings.

Step 5:  Encourage Storytelling.

Family stories are the glue that holds members together for generations.  Funny or sad, they remind people that they are part of something greater than themselves. “Do you remember grandma’s old fruit cake?  Dad kept it in the freezer for like 20 years, taking it out every Christmas for just one bite.”  Regardless of age, those in a gathering will benefit from family stories.  They visualize themselves in the story which fosters a sense of identity in children and reminds adults what life is all about.  I read somewhere, “A story is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells, and the deeper it sinks into the mind.”  Ancestral stories can bestow a framework for life, i.e., the morals and values for healthy development.  Stories are particularly helpful when they cross multiple generations and describe how family members dealt with challenges and feelings of stress, sadness and happiness.

Step 6:  Respect Parents’ Right to be Parents.

There can be multiple sets of parents in a family gathering.  Each set has their own parenting style and learning objectives for their children.  It’s not your responsibility to agree or disagree with how other parents are raising their children.  If you are a parent, seek the counsel of other parents if you want it – that’s your choice.  But don’t share your opinion about another’s child unless it is sought, or you are observing blatant child abuse.  If another parent’s child is misbehaving relative to what you believe is appropriate, try to bring it to the parent’s attention through a thoughtful conversation.  Do not discipline anyone’s child other than your own.

Step 7:  Make Your Intentions Known in Advance.

If you want to do an activity outside the group when the family is together, or have people visit you at the gathering, then make it known as soon as possible – no surprises.  Ask others if they want to participate if that’s appropriate.  If they do, then let them figure out how to make it happen. Some family members will want to sit on the couch and watch TV all day and chat with each other.  Others want to get out and do things that meet other interests.  No one should feel trapped.  The key is to be inclusive with your intent.

Step 8:  Coach Your Spouse/Partner.

If your spouse/partner seems happy and joyful during the gathering, encourage them by reciprocating.  If they are about to ignite with anxiety or anger, don’t do or say thing that fans the flames.  Hopefully, none of us would do this intentionally, but we need to be mindful of what can occur unwittingly. We know what ignites our spouses/partners – anticipate those things.  Don’t put situations to them in a way that causes the ignition.  If ignited, help your spouse/partner calm down by making them aware of their behavior and reminding them about how blessed they are to be around people who love them.

Step 9:  Express Gratitude.

Make sure that you thank your family members for enduring any traveling hardships, especially with young children, and allocating their precious time and resources to be together as a family over the holidays.  Always keep in mind that they could have done something else, like go to Maui!