I had a fascinating coaching conversation the other day.  It involves Ned, who was recruited three years ago from another company into his current job as a senior manager.  He’s trying to take the next step towards being a big leader.  The competitive dynamics and internal politics within the company are proving daunting.

Ned gave me permission to share our conversation with others.  I wanted to do so because many of us have found ourselves in Ned’s situation and there are some things we can learn from it.  Here is an abbreviated version of the conversation:

Ned:  A friend at work asked me why I did not apply for the new position.  It’s a step into the executive ranks and would be a new challenge for me.  I told him that when I sent out a feeler to my boss, she said that it would be unwise for me to get that kind of profile.

Al: A curious response from your boss.  She should know that happy employees are those who are in positions that help them achieve their highest future potential.  It’s her job to enable this.

Ned:  I had a follow-up conversation with her and apparently it’s best for the company that I stay in my current job.

Al:  Are you comfortable with that conclusion?

Ned:  I’m comfortable with my job, but my talents may be underutilized.  These are difficult waters to navigate in the company.  There are a number of norms and unwritten rules…I have pushed forward, made myself heard, and in doing so have violated plenty of them.

Al:  If you tell yourself that your talents are underutilized then they will be.  If you tell yourself that you are uncomfortable then you will be.  Bottom line:  you are in charge of your future.

To draw on the psychologists, Freud said that emotion drives behavior. John Watson said the opposite, that behavior drives emotion. I’m a Watson fan and believe our behavior shapes our attitude and ultimately our potential as a leader.

The “As If Principle” was conceived by William James over 100 years ago. Simply stated, if you want a quality, act as if you already have it. Two things will occur. First, the acting will shape your attitude and the faking eventually will be replaced with authenticity.

Second, you will shape the impressions of those around you.  Most people only know about you whatever they perceive. It’s been my experience that people will only give you what you demand of them through your own actions.  I use the word demand in a gentle and thoughtful way. There is risk involved and people often get put in the place that others want them to be in – that’s different than being put in “your place”.  You don’t have “a place”.  All you have is what you expect of yourself.

Interestingly, modern neuroscience has confirmed James’s principle.  We create new neurons and synapses through our experiences.  These form mental maps that become part of our subconscious self.  There’s even a model for this: (Expectation + Experience) x Quality of Focus x Veto Power.  In a nutshell, set your expectations for what you want, practice by faking you already have it, relentlessly focus on it, and whenever you have self-doubt, or someone puts you down, veto the thought in your mind.  We can’t control our subconscious brain but we can say no to unhelpful thoughts when they come into our mind.

Ned:  You’re fabulous

Note:  If you want to know more about the As If Principle, read Richard Wiseman’s new book, The As If Principle:  The Radically New Approach to Changing Your Life, Simon and Schuster, 2012.