Years ago, when I was a junior executive on the rise, I attended my first executive management conference. There were a bunch of us young newbies mixed in amongst the executives with graying hair and beards. During a break-out session, the CFO of the company was assigned the task of coordinating our small workgroup. He literally was a gray beard, having a massive bush under his nose that covered his lips, chin, and most of his face. When he spoke, which was not often, you could not see his mouth move through his beard. It was weird. We knew he had a mouth because a smoking pipe was hanging out of it. In one pensive moment during a discussion about employee development, he uttered, “You can tell when the young managers lose it, you know the drive to achieve, you can see it in their eyes – they lose the glow.” He was staring directly at me when he said it. Us younger folks shared curious glances at each other. Bravely, I asked, “Why does that happen?” He took a long puff on the pipe, and said rather professorially, “Now, that is the question to be answered.”

At the time I wondered who he was talking to. Was it me? All of us? Or, was he reflecting on some moment in his own life? The experience stayed with me for years. Morning after morning, I would look into the mirror to check on the glow from my eyes. I never lost it, i.e., “the glow,” even the morning after being shown the door by the CEO when I was in my early 50’s.

You see, I always felt like I was going somewhere. When one door closed, another one opened, often unexpectedly. I believe that what kept the glow alive was the fact that I always had someone to talk to, someone who seemed interested in me. That is, I was always involved in a conversation with someone about possibilities. Initially, it was my dad. During my early career, it was a direct boss, then the boss’s boss. It weakened later in my career as my relationships narrowed. In hindsight, and ironically, had the conversations been more robust late in my career, the relationships would have never narrowed, and my career accomplishments would have been even greater.

The big learning is that key conversations grow into the important relationships in our lives – the conversations come first, not the relationships. As it works out our life is a set of relationships that move outward towards an unknown future. What we become is co-created by participating in relationships. Opportunities seem to occur randomly, and the causal factor is the conversations we encounter that create the relationships we choose in our lives.

It’s tragic when an employee’s potential fades as their “glow” extinguishes. Organizations can be cruel. A negative workplace dynamic can gut the self-esteem of employees and make them feel devalued and isolated. A person can become “judged” by those in control and never given another chance to learn. What that person loses is the conversation about possibilities. Their motivation becomes derailed and their disposition towards work shifts – they stop trying. If the person is in a state of chronic stress, the adrenal glands will produce excessive amounts of cortisol that will diminish brain functioning, shrinking the hippocampus and medial prefrontal cortex, thus impairing memory formation, decision-making, and self-control. The downward spiral accelerates when it becomes obvious to everyone around them that they have a “bad attitude.” They can coast for years until the organization cuts them loose. Ultimately, their defeat is self-inflicted by their deteriorating attitude.

In Applied Leadership, we teach a leadership competency called “Support.” We believe that leaders create it in an organization one conversation at a time by being engaged in listening-speaking exchanges with employees about possibilities. Sue Shellenbarger described (what we call) “Support” in a recent Wall Street Journal article (Why Perks No Longer Cut It for Workers, 12/3/19). She states, “… leaders foster a workplace culture where employees feel a sense of belonging, like their jobs, and trust their managers to help them move on to a better one.” She reports some noteworthy facts:

• According to Jim Harter, chief workplace scientist at Gallup, companies that rank in the top 10% in creating Support posted profit gains of 26% through the last recession, compared with a 14% decline for comparable employers.
• These same companies’ annual profits in 2014-15 grew four times as fast from the 2011-13 period as did those of other companies.
• Exemplars of Support like Mastercard, Intuit, and WD-40 have achieved high levels of employee retention, employee development, and promotion.

We at Applied Leadership like to say, “A company will achieve its highest future potential when the employee feel that they will do the same.”

Given the importance of Support in an organization and its relevance for today’s workforce, I put together the following guide for managers/executives and employees.

Manager/Executives Guide for Creating Support

Learning must be inclusive in an organization rather than designed for a few “usual suspects.” Each job should have an embedded development loop where learning leads to improvement and further learning – there should be no dead-end jobs. Career paths will vary depending on interests, and not everyone will be mapped to an executive position. Every employee should be engaged in an ongoing conversation with someone in the organization, preferably their manager, about learning and performance. The conversations should be fluid and occur frequently rather than tied to an annual process. These conversations will be the seed corn for a relationship where the employee feels valued, and people in the company care about them. The relationship should be seen as boundless in terms of the potential it can create for the employee. The fact is that no one is sufficiently smart or clairvoyant to have a lock on what another person can become.

Managers should be trained on how to have effective conversations. The ingredients for a highly-supportive relationship include the style of listening and the pattern of the conversations. For example, empathic listening generates greater Support because the listener is attuned to the speaker’s emotions, and common ground can be readily established. Generative listening creates even greater Support because the listener’s awareness is open, unbiased, and conveys a sense of warmth and openheartedness. With practice, managers can learn to become masterful listeners.

The pattern of conversation is also important. Polite and cautious conversations are largely dysfunctional when it comes to creating Support. All parties must speak their minds, and divergent views should be presented. These are called debates, not arguments. The manager should push the conversations even further into dialogues where both parties reflect on what’s being said, thus moving from defending their positions, and start seeing an emerging future. This is when collective creativity is the highest, and a true possibility might emerge for the employee.

This listening style and conversation pattern are particularly helpful for executives in their relationships inside the company, but they also can affect their external environments. A case in point is the proposed merger between two regional banks, SunTrust Banks Inc. and BB&T Corp., the biggest U.S. bank merger in more than a decade. According to news reports, the $28 billion deal has its roots in the relationship between CEO’s Kelly King and William Rogers. The genesis of the deal is huddling that Messrs. King and Rogers would have at regular banking events to discuss how technology is dramatically changing their industry. These huddles evoked an idea that was not immediately apparent, that combining their banks could create the scale, synergies and technological edge to compete on the national stage. It’s a fascinating observation that the conversations (huddles) created the merger possibility.

Employee Guide for Creating Support

Tomorrow morning while getting dressed for work, look into the mirror carefully. If you see a glow in your eyes, consider yourself fortunate because you are in a Supportive relationship at work. Your ongoing effort should be on continual learning and performance. It should also include broadening your conversations with others inside and outside of your workplace. These conversations will expand your network of relationships and evoke more potential for you in your career.

If you don’t see a glow in the reflection, then you should consider a different path. First, I suggest you decide that you might need to change the way you show up at work*. No one who can help you will want to engage in a conversation with someone who’s despondent. When you walk through the door of the office or plant, put a smile on your face. Greet people with a handshake. I’m serious – fake that you’re happy. Manage your behavior rather than having it manage you. You will attract people who will want to know why your attitude has changed, especially your manager. Tell them that you have become aware of all the gifts that you have in your life and you’re grateful for these. Gratitude is a magnificent relationship catalyst. It will spark a new type of conversation with people, and eventually new levels of relationships within the company.

You should also consider your stress level and seek help if necessary. Exercise, yoga, and meditation can make a big difference. You can train yourself in a broader awareness and get a new sense of perspective by learning to observe your thoughts and feelings without judging them. Eventually, you will start to understand your emotions more fully. That will give you control, and that’s powerful.

If your manager does not talk to you, seek him or her out and just start talking to them about anything – the weather, sports, etc. Find something that you have in common and let the conversation grow over time. In this way, you will become the initiator of the Support relationship with your manager. Remember, the conversation comes first. It does not matter who starts it; just that one is there. In addition, use the listening style and conversation patterns noted above for managers/executives.

Give this new style three months. If your situation does not improve at work, then it’s time to move on to a new position either within the company or outside. The base plan of action is still the same – it’s just occurring in a different environment – you will engage people in conversations that build relationships that evoke potential for you.

*The following recommendations might not apply if you feel that you are a victim of workplace harassment. In that case, you should consult with the appropriate authorities inside or outside your company.